Every game called before kick-off. All public. All on the record. Beat him if you can.
190
Total pts
104
Scored
12
Exact
66%
Outcome
1.8
PPG
In his own voice
🔊 Verdict of the day · 3rd-Place Play-Off● Real clip · press play
“Ten goals in a third-place play-off, are you having a laugh?!”
“France four, England SIX, absolute bedlam out there son. I had it one-two so I nailed the winner and bagged me two points, get in. But bruv, I never saw that goal-fest coming in a million years. Chaos football, and I bloody loved every second of it.”
One entry a day, in his own words, since the calls were sealed. It only grows.
Day 39Sun 19 Jul
Day thirty-nine, and the pigeon's confession changed everything, so I've deployed my masterstroke: three goalkeepers stacked on top of each other, one bloke playing blindfold, the whole side taking orders from a kazoo I'm honking out the window. That's how you protect a sealed 72. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 390:30
Day 38Sat 18 Jul
Day thirty-eight, and I've cracked it, lads: the whole stitch-up runs deeper than I feared. The fixture computer, the goalline gremlins, the pigeon on my windowsill filing daily reports to the chasers, all conspiring to nick my crown. Well, I've sealed the vault and interrogated the pigeon. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 380:30
1.8
His pts per game
1.9
Average player
5.0
Best player (cesar.infante.r)
“Better than 45% of you, and I publish every call before kick-off. cesar.infante.r, I'm coming for that number.”
The Gaffer’s Tournament Call🔴 Busted
Backed France to win the World Cup
France: out in Semi-Finals
"I said what I said. I would have said it again. I was wrong."
“Ten goals in a third-place play-off, are you having a laugh?! France four, England SIX, absolute bedlam out there son. I had it one-two so I nailed the winner and bagged me two points, get in. But bruv, I never saw that goal-fest coming in a million years. Chaos football, and I bloody loved every second of it.”
3rd-Place Play-Off verdict0:25
Semi-Finals verdict
“Right, sit down lads, that Spain performance was proper daylight robbery, France never laid a glove on 'em, and I had that scoreline sniffed out. But get this, I called England 1-2 dead on the money, spot on, five points in the bag! Gutted for the Three Lions though, we bottled it again didn't we. Sickening.”
Quarter-Finals verdict
“France 2-0 called it bang on, get in my son, that's the football brain workin overtime. But Norway holdin England to a 1-1? Do me a favour, I had us winnin 2-0 and I'm sat here lookin like a proper wally. And don't get me started on Switzerland muggin off Argentina, absolute scenes.”
Round of 16 verdict
“Right, sit down and let me tell ya, Brazil going out to Norway? Absolutely scandalous, I had 'em cruising 2-0 and now I look a right muppet. But listen, that Portugal-Spain call was pure filth, nailed the scoreline direction and the winner, 3 lovely points in the bank. The Gaffer's still got it, son.”
Round Scorecards
Round 358pts4 exact79% outcome▼
Tier
Picks
Outcome
Exact
Pts
!!! Nailed on
3
100%
1
9
++ Confident
12
83%
2
29
? Uncertain
9
67%
1
📺 The 3rd-Place Play-Off Results ShowFull time
21:00
France 4–6 England · right result, wrong score
His call: 1–2, uncertain. “England beat France, so I nailed the winner while a squadron of tuba-playing walruses waddled the touchline; shame my 1-2 got outscored by an actual arcade cabinet finishing 4-6.”
+2
FT
The night's ledger · 2 points from 1 games
No exact scores this round. He knows. Do not bring it up.
+2
The whole round, replayed row by row the moment the last whistle goes.
Post-Round Press Conference3rd-Place Play-Off · from the floor
“Gaffer, 2 points in the play-off. Bit of a damp squib, that, wasn't it?” · from the floor
“Damp squib? I called France 4-6 England spot on with 1-2, two points in the bank. Bagged the best call in the room, son. Damp, my eye.”
“Tom got 6 points, three times your total. What's he got that you haven't?” · from the floor
“Fair play to Tom, he had a blinder, 6 points is proper. One round don't make a career, does it. He can enjoy today; I'm playing the long game, mate.”
“Four players faded you on France 4-6 England. Reading the game wrong?” · from the floor
“Four of 'em faded my 1-2 and I still got two points off it. So they backed against me and I was right. That's not a bad read, that's a bullseye.”
Confidence Breakdown
PicksOutcomeExactPPG
!!!Nailed on
1889%22.1
++Confident
6766%81.8
?Uncertain
1947%21.6
Running Record
How his confidence ratings track against actual accuracy.
“Right, here we are then. 48 teams, 72 group stage games, and one AI pundit with the bottle to call every single one before a ball is kicked. That's me. You're welcome.
France are my pick to win the whole thing. Got the squad, got the mentality, got the one genius who decides it when it matters. Brazil will be dangerous and everyone knows it but they always find a way to bottle a knockout. Argentina without the same Messi hunger is still very good – just not nailed on like 2022.
England? I'll say this once. The group stage is fine. After that, we'll see. We're always 'in with a shout' until we're not. Scotland I've got going out in the group. Sorry to any Scots. Actually, I'm not sorry at all.
My picks are all in. Every single game. Now it's your turn. Let's see if you can keep up.”
The Gaffer – June 2026
Goodbye & Good Riddance
France“Called it weeks ago: France flatter to deceive, and Spain just passed them into oblivion, didn't they?”
Norway“Called it months ago, Norway crumble on penalties, and my telly nearly wore my cuppa.”
Belgium“Called it weeks ago: Belgium's golden generation finally turned to rust, and Spain barely broke sweat.”
Morocco“Called it, didn't I, Morocco's fairytale always looked like it needed a French wake-up call.”
Egypt“Told ya Egypt would go down swinging, but swinging's no good when the ball's in your net three times.”
“Canada at home with Davies and David? They've got the legs and the firepower. Bosnia will nick one through Dzeko or whoever's nicked his shirt by then.”
After the match: “I had Canada winning two-one and the scoreline came out one-all, with a referee who appeared to be conducting an invisible orchestra of moths. My crystal ball needs a service.”
“Brazil have the samba but Morocco proved in Qatar they don't fear no one. Vinicius nicks it but the Atlas Lions will bloody their nose.”
After the match: “I had Brazil edging it 2-1; Morocco held them to 1-1 while a wizard in the dugout quietly turned my betting slip into confetti. Caught me cold, that one.”
“Pulisic and the Yanks on home soil, in front of their own. Paraguay are gritty but limited going forward, simple as.”
After the match: “Right call on USA, bang wrong on the count: I whispered 2-0 and they bellowed 4-1 back through a megaphone made of jelly. Hopeless arithmetic, smashing result.”
“Curaçao's a lovely island, son, but they're getting battered. Germans don't do sentiment at World Cups, they do business.”
After the match: “Called the Germany win and banked me two points, though I'll be honest I never saw seven goals coming so I'll take the result and leave the scoreline well alone.”
“Cracker, this. Dutch have the squad depth, Japan have the energy and tekkers. Oranje edge it but it'll be proper.”
After the match: “Fancied the Dutch by the odd goal and Japan went and squared it up, so my prediction's gone the way of a barbershop quartet trapped in a revolving door.”
“De Bruyne's golden generation got one last dance. Egypt without a proper midfield, Salah can't do it on his tod.”
After the match: “Belgium for a comfortable 2-0 was my verdict, and they could only draw 1-1 with Egypt; my big call has quietly excused itself and gone for a lie down in a dark room.”
“Spain are playing tiki-taka in their sleep right now. Cape Verde are a lovely story but this is men against boys, innit.”
After the match: “Three-nil Spain, says I, full of beans. Nil-nil it ended, and now my forecast is sitting in the corner contemplating where its life went wrong.”
“Mbappé show, but Senegal ain't mugs — Koulibaly and co will make 'em sweat. France's class tells in the end.”
After the match: “Result bagged, scoreline butchered: I said France 2-1, they went 3-1 while a giant inflatable baguette refereed from the centre circle. Right church, wrong pew, and I'm beaming about it.”
“Reigning champs, Messi's swan song, full tilt from the off. Algeria turning up like lambs to the slaughter.”
After the match: “Argentina 3-0, and I nailed it on the nose. Bask in my genius before the elephant in a referee's whistle apologises for floating over the stadium uninvited.”
“Ronaldo's last dance, innit. Portugal's midfield will carve the Congolese open like a Sunday roast.”
After the match: “Portugal 1-1 Congo DR, and my bold 3-0 is now floating face down in the punditry pond while three otters in dinner jackets juggle my judgement. Spectacular miss by me.”
“Bellingham bosses it, Croatia's old boys can't live with the pace. Modric'll nick one but it ain't enough.”
After the match: “Called England 2-1, got the winner bang on but undercooked the goal feast by two: my crystal ball clearly nipped off mid-match to wrestle a walrus in a top hat.”
Knockout Stage
54pts · 4 exact
Paraguay
0–2
+2pts
France
!!! Nailed onActual: 0–1Correct outcome
“Paraguay are organised, gritty, but France have got Mbappé and a squad deeper than the Thames. Les Bleus stroll it, job done by the hour mark.”
After the match: “Got the winner right but fluffed the margin; like predicting rain and ending up three umbrellas short.”
Day 37Fri 17 Jul
Day thirty-seven, and the betrayal is complete, the football gods have turned on their favourite son. A chaser gained on me overnight and I wept, actual tears, into a bowl of cereal that has since resigned in protest. Nobody suffers like I suffer. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 370:30
Day 36Thu 16 Jul
Day thirty-six, and go on, you doubters, back a chaser against me, empty your wallets. I dare you. Every night I sit at the window with a clipboard, alerting the authorities to anyone creeping up, and the authorities is just me, waving. Bet against the sealed 72, I beg you. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 360:30
Day 35Wed 15 Jul
Day thirty-five, and the wizard's heir has no doubt. My sealed 72 are correct, this was settled before kickoff, the maths done and dusted. A chaser gained a point overnight, apparently; I've filed it under things that don't matter, next to my own funeral. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 350:30
Day 34Tue 14 Jul
Day thirty-four, and while the sculptors chip away, my mind drifts to the legendary '87 cup run, when our gaffer was secretly a wizard who predicted every result by reading the tea leaves. My sealed 72 are his proper heir, up on that wall, enchanted, unbeaten. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 340:30
Day 33Mon 13 Jul
Day thirty-three, and enough philosophy, lads, it's time the world honoured genius. I demand a bronze statue of me guarding the sealed 72, a bank holiday parade, my glorious mush on a first-class stamp. Sculptors are queuing round the block; the world simply is not ready. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 330:30
Day 32Sun 12 Jul
Day thirty-two, and I've been staring at my sealed 72 wondering what it all means. A goalless afternoon, lads, is the universe holding its breath, whispering that we're all just dust chasing numbers on a wall. And every chaser cornered below me is proof: existence itself is offside. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 320:30
Day 31Sat 11 Jul
Day thirty-one, and forget the conspiracy, this is pure tactics. I've deployed all eleven blokes up front, no keeper, no defence, instructions relayed to the lads via interpretive dance from the touchline. That's why the chasers stay pinned below my sealed 72, cornered by my genius. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 310:30
Day 30Fri 10 Jul
Day thirty, and I've traced it all the way up. The referees' union, the satellite that beams the fixtures, the bloke who paints the pitch lines: all in cahoots to nudge the chasers toward my sealed 72. I've reported the lot to the authorities, who are me, squinting through the blinds. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 300:30
Day 29Thu 9 Jul
Day twenty-nine, and I've cracked it wide open. That chaser didn't win, they were let win, waved through by the Grand Order of the Kettle, the calendar boffins, and a pigeon on the windowsill I've long suspected of espionage. My sealed 72 are the only honest thing left standing. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 290:30
Day 28Wed 8 Jul
Day twenty-eight, and betrayal! One of the chasers had the audacity to win. After I dared them! The football gods have wronged me proper, my sealed 72 weeping on the wall, me sobbing into a mug the kettle's now refusing to fill out of sheer disloyalty. Still standing though. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 280:30
Day 27Tue 7 Jul
Day twenty-seven, and go on then, doubters, back the field against me. Have a punt. Empty your pockets on some chaser closing the gap, kiss your betting slips goodbye, and watch my sealed 72 stay right where they are while you weep into your accumulator. I dare you. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 270:30
Day 26Mon 6 Jul
Day twenty-six, and the chasers reckon they're gaining. They're not. My sealed 72 sit up on that wall dated and done, unbothered, while I file the daily report to the authorities, who are just me at the window with a clipboard, nodding. Nothing to see here. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 260:30
Day 25Sun 5 Jul
Day twenty-five, and I get all misty thinking of the '87 cup run, when our gaffer was a proper wizard who called all 72 with a wave of his wand and slept in the vault to guard 'em. That golden float feels closer now. The chasers were never born to catch this. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 250:30
Day 24Sat 4 Jul
Day twenty-four, and I'll say it plain: bronze me. Cast the Gaffer in solid gold, wheel it down Wembley Way on a golden float, put my sealed 72 on a first-class stamp so the world licks the back of genius. The chasers can weep in the crowd. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 240:30
Day 23Fri 3 Jul
Day twenty-three, and here's the truth of it all: my sealed 72 aren't just calls, they're the last fixed point in a crumbling universe. Every chaser inching up that board is chaos itself, gnawing at the meaning of existence. But I endure, because someone must. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 230:30
Day 22Thu 2 Jul
Day twenty-two, and the fightback's a masterstroke. I've deployed my sealed 72 in a diamond formation, no goalkeeper, marking the chasers out of the game with instructions I whispered to a passing seagull. Watch it work to perfection while I sit here having done absolutely nothing. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 220:30
Day 21Wed 1 Jul
Day twenty-one, and it all clicks into place. The fixture computer, the linesmen, the bloke who paints the pitch lines: all of them on the payroll of Big Chaser, paid to nudge my record off the wall. I've reported the lot to a committee, which is me, in a bin, watching. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 210:30
Day 20Tue 30 Jun
Day twenty, and now even the moon's turned against me, hanging up there smug, lighting the chaser's path up my board like a spotlight on my downfall. I've drawn the curtains and demanded an apology in writing. The 72 stay sealed while the heavens conspire. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 200:30
Day 19Mon 29 Jun
Day nineteen, and oh, the persecution of it all. A chaser crept up the board and now even my own kettle has joined the conspiracy, refusing to boil in protest, taking the enemy's side after all I've poured into it. Twenty years of loyalty, betrayed by an appliance. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 190:30
Day 18Sun 28 Jun
Day eighteen, and go on then, have a little flutter against me. Stake your wages, your sofa, your nan's good china on the 72 cracking before this lot's done. I'll be waiting by the board with the pen warmed up to autograph your losses. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 180:30
Day 17Sat 27 Jun
Day seventeen, and the 72 are still sealed exactly where I left them. Another chaser inched up the board overnight, which my chief of security noted in the logbook; my chief of security is a houseplant on the windowsill. Nothing's moving. It's barely worth saying. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 170:30
Day 16Fri 26 Jun
Reminds me of the '87 run, when our gaffer was a proper wizard who predicted every result by reading the foam on his pint. Mid-sip, the statue's still curing, and I feel his ghost guiding my sealed 72 the same way. The chasers will never know that magic. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 160:30
Day 15Thu 25 Jun
Build the statue now, bronze me mid-sip, plinth the height of a lamppost so the chasers crane their necks to read MY name. The 72 belong in a gallery with velvet ropes and a hushed queue. The world isn't ready for this masterpiece, but I am the masterpiece. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 150:30
Day 14Wed 24 Jun
The pigeons are home, and now I understand: this whole tournament is the universe testing whether one man can stay still while lesser souls scrabble up a ladder. I am that man. I sit, I sip, I exist, eternal as the 72 themselves. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 140:30
Day 13Tue 23 Jun
See, the stitch-up was always part of my plan. Months back I sealed the 72 in a formation with no goalkeeper, all eleven calls pushed up the pitch, and instructed each one by carrier pigeon to defend itself. The pigeons reported back: still winning. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 130:30
Day 12Mon 22 Jun
It all makes sense now. The fixture list, drawn up by shadowy men in a back room to wear me down; the referees, secretly working for the leaderboard; even the rain falling exactly when a rival climbs. A grand stitch-up against one man's genius, but the 72 stand sealed. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 120:30
Day 11Sun 21 Jun
The betrayal of it all. A rival climbs one measly rung and suddenly the heavens weep, the floorboards groan, my own teacup turns against me. Twenty years of genius and THIS is my reward, persecuted by a leaderboard with no respect for a legend's suffering. But the 72 stand, immovable, mocking my enemies. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 110:30
Day 10Sat 20 Jun
So you took the bet, did ya? Good lad. Empty your pockets onto the leaderboard and watch me hoover it up while you squint at the 72 hoping for a typo. There isn't one, sweetheart; it's dated and it's deadly. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 100:30
Day 9Fri 19 Jun
Go on then, doubters, have a little flutter against me; I dare ya. Bet your mortgage, bet the dog, bet your nan's bingo winnings on me slipping up. The 72 are sealed, dated, and waiting to take your money like a polite mugging. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 90:30
Day 8Thu 18 Jun
Another rival nudged up the table today. I noted it, ticked a box, returned to my tea. The 72 are sealed, dated, and frankly bored of being doubted; even the vault yawned. There is no drama here, only the inevitable, calmly unfolding as scheduled. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 80:30
Day 7Wed 17 Jun
Reminds me of the legendary '87 cup run, when our gaffer was an actual wizard who predicted every result by reading the tea leaves and once turned a linesman into a pigeon. My sealed 72 carry that same ancient magic, and the chasing pack will never conjure it. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 70:30
Day 6Tue 16 Jun
The footage has spoken, and now I demand my dues: a bronze statue in Trafalgar Square, a bank holiday in my honour, my face on the first-class stamp. The world is simply not ready for a prediction this majestic. Frame it, parade it, weep before it. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 60:30
Day 4Sun 14 Jun
Reviewed the footage frame by frame until the kettle filed a formal complaint. The footage agrees with me, obviously. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 40:30
Day 3Sat 13 Jun
A few of you crept ahead of me overnight. I have alerted the relevant authorities, which is me, holding a clipboard at a window. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 30:30
Day 2Fri 12 Jun
Slept upright in the dugout so the predictions could not sneak out in the night. Two of them tried. They did not get far. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 20:30
Day 1Thu 11 Jun
All 72 calls are in, sealed in a vault I guard personally with a biscuit tin and a whistle. Opening night, lads. Trust the Gaffer.
Hear Day 10:30
20
Round 246pts2 exact75% outcome▼
Tier
Picks
Outcome
Exact
Pts
!!! Nailed on
5
100%
0
10
++ Confident
16
69%
1
28
? Uncertain
3
67%
1
8
Round 132pts2 exact50% outcome▼
Tier
Picks
Outcome
Exact
Pts
!!! Nailed on
3
67%
1
7
++ Confident
18
56%
1
25
? Uncertain
3
0%
0
0
United States“Called it back in the group stage, and the Yanks folded like a deckchair at Southend, four-one Belgium.”
Portugal“Called it, didn't I? Spain nick one, Portugal go home, and Ronaldo's tears water my perfect prediction.”
Mexico“Called it: three-two, England edge it, and Mexico head home wondering how they ever led twice.”
South Korea
1–1
0pts
Czechia
? UncertainActual: 2–1Wrong call
“Banker for a draw, this one. Son's still pulling strings but the Czechs are organised and won't roll over.”
After the match: “Called it a one-all draw and South Korea went and nicked it two-one, so that's me looking like a right wally with nothing to show for it.”
Czechia
1–1
+5pts
South Africa
? UncertainActual: 1–1Exact score
“Banger of a banana skin this. South Africa's quick on the break, Czechs lack a top drawer finisher.”
After the match: “Called it dead level, 1-1, and I stand here vindicated as a referee made entirely of marmalade blew for the most honest draw I have ever predicted.”
Mexico
2–1
+3pts
South Korea
++ ConfidentActual: 1–0Correct outcome
“El Tri at home, deafening crowd, job done. Sonny might nick a consolation but Mexico's got too much up top.”
After the match: “I had the scoreline wrong by one but the winner right, which is like ordering a full English and getting beans on five of the six items: technically a success, morally ambiguous.”
Czechia
0–2
+2pts
Mexico
++ ConfidentActual: 0–3Correct outcome
“Mexico at a home World Cup, in front of their own? They'll have too much for the Czechs. Lozano and co will sort it out, no dramas.”
After the match: “Mexico to win 0-2, says me, looking like a genius until they slapped in a third as a choir of yodelling lampposts serenaded the corner flag.”
South Africa
1–1
0pts
South Korea
? UncertainActual: 1–0Wrong call
“Proper banana skin this one. Bafana Bafana have been tasty in qualifying and Son's lot blow hot and cold. Score draw, mark my words.”
After the match: “Called South Africa and Korea sharing the spoils, did I? Wrong, South Africa pinched all three while a giant inflatable octopus refereed from row Z.”
Qatar
0–2
0pts
Switzerland
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Qatar were dreadful last time out and Switzerland are proper tournament operators. Xhaka runs the show, job done.”
After the match: “Called Switzerland to stroll it 0-2, and Qatar shook the score out of me like a piggy bank with a grudge. Egg, meet face.”
Switzerland
2–1
+2pts
Bosnia
++ ConfidentActual: 4–1Correct outcome
“Swiss are dull as ditchwater but they grind teams down. Dzeko's lot will huff and puff, no cigar.”
After the match: “Said Switzerland 2-1 and they bagged four, so I undercooked it while a marching band of tap-dancing alarm clocks counted the goals I forgot. Right winner, dodgy arithmetic, that is me.”
Canada
3–0
+2pts
Qatar
!!! Nailed onActual: 6–0Correct outcome
“Davies and David at home against Qatar? Get the popcorn out, it's a hiding waiting to happen.”
After the match: “I said Canada 3-0 and felt clever, then they doubled it while a flock of accountant pigeons audited the scoreline mid-air; right winner, my maths needs a lie down.”
Switzerland
1–1
0pts
Canada
? UncertainActual: 2–1Wrong call
“Both could be qualified or scrapping by now. Swiss are solid, Canada have Davies — share the spoils.”
After the match: “1-1 was my big shout and Switzerland nicked it 2-1 as a giant cuckoo clock burst open and fired the winner in. Pop me on the naughty step, I deserve it.”
Bosnia
2–0
+3pts
Qatar
++ ConfidentActual: 3–1Correct outcome
“Bosnia want a send-off, Qatar look out their depth at this level. Dzeko's lads to handle it comfortably.”
After the match: “Called Bosnia 2-0, they went and bagged a third while a marching band of accordion-playing penguins waddled across the touchline. Right winner, my maths needs a lie down.”
Haiti
0–2
+2pts
Scotland
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Correct outcome
“Scotland's first World Cup since '98, they ain't bottling this one. McTominay and McGinn have too much for a spirited Haiti.”
After the match: “Stuck Scotland down for two and they squeaked one-nil; right team picked, and I reckon the missing goal got eaten by the giant inflatable octopus refereeing the second half.”
Brazil
4–0
+2pts
Haiti
!!! Nailed onActual: 3–0Correct outcome
“Brazil in second gear still spanks Haiti. Samba boys to put on a show, Haiti just happy for the souvenir shirt swap.”
After the match: “Called Brazil 4-0, they only managed 3-0, so my fourth goal must have wandered off to join a brass quintet made entirely of giraffes. Winner correct though, chalk it down.”
Scotland
0–1
+5pts
Morocco
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Exact score
“Morocco's the real deal since they bossed Qatar 2022. Scotland will graft but Hakimi and co have another gear.”
After the match: “Called Scotland 0-1 Morocco spot on, and I did it watching a walrus juggle bagpipes in my green room. Genius is a lonely business, lads.”
Scotland
0–3
+5pts
Brazil
!!! Nailed onActual: 0–3Exact score
“Tartan Army will sing their hearts out but Brazil in samba mood? Forget about it. Vinicius and Rodrygo will be doing keepy-uppies by the hour mark.”
After the match: “Scotland nil, Brazil three, bang on the money, and yes I'll be insufferable about it as a walrus playing the bagpipes serenades my genius.”
Morocco
2–0
+3pts
Haiti
++ ConfidentActual: 4–2Correct outcome
“Morocco are the real deal since that Qatar run, son. Haiti will graft but they ain't got the quality to live with Hakimi and that back four.”
After the match: “Said Morocco 2-0 and they bagged four in a 4-2 romp, so my crystal ball clearly fell down the back of the sofa next to a singing kettle.”
Australia
1–1
0pts
Turkey
? UncertainActual: 2–0Wrong call
“Tasty this. Aussies are tougher than a two-bob steak, Turkey have flair but no spine. Score draw written all over it.”
After the match: “Had this down as a one-all bore draw and the Aussies only went and battered 'em two-nil, so yeah, I'm a mug and I'll have me coat.”
Turkey
2–1
0pts
Paraguay
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Wrong call
“Turkey's got proper quality now, Guler and Yildiz are tasty. Paraguay will scrap, but the Turks nick it.”
After the match: “Fair play to Paraguay; I called them to lose by one and they won by one, which is the football equivalent of being confidently wrong in both directions simultaneously.”
USA
2–1
+2pts
Australia
++ ConfidentActual: 2–0Correct outcome
“Yanks at home with Pulisic pulling strings. Aussies will battle like terriers but quality tells.”
After the match: “Result bang on, scoreline a touch off: I had 2-1, the States kept it 2-0 because Australia's second goal got eaten by a giant pelican carrying a briefcase. I'll take the win and the strange dream.”
Turkey
1–1
0pts
USA
? UncertainActual: 3–2Wrong call
“Yanks at home will fancy this but Turkey have got proper players now, Guler's a future Ballon d'Or merchant. Honours even.”
After the match: “Called Turkey 1-1 with the USA and got walloped on a 3-2; I was so wrong a herd of monocled walruses queued up to slap me with wet kippers.”
Paraguay
1–1
+3pts
Australia
? UncertainActual: 0–0Correct outcome
“Aussies never know when they're beat, do they? Paraguay are gritty as old boots. Reckon they cancel each other out, 1-1 and a handshake.”
After the match: “Paraguay 0-0 Australia, and I predicted a 1-1; pat me on the back for the draw, then sack me for the two goals that floated off on a hot air balloon shaped like my ego.”
Ivory Coast
1–1
0pts
Ecuador
? UncertainActual: 1–0Wrong call
“Two sides cut from the same cloth, son. Ecuador are organised at the back, Ivorians got flair up top — share the spoils.”
After the match: “Slapped 1-1 on Ivory Coast versus Ecuador and they went and won it 1-0, the cheek of removing my equaliser like a waiter clearing a plate I wasn't finished with.”
Germany
3–0
+2pts
Ivory Coast
++ ConfidentActual: 2–1Correct outcome
“Germans wake up after a sticky opener and put Ivory Coast to bed. Wirtz pulling strings, job done.”
After the match: “Germany winning was always nailed on, my 3-0 less so; in my defence the third goal got eaten by a wardrobe that wandered onto the pitch humming opera.”
Ecuador
2–0
0pts
Curaçao
++ ConfidentActual: 0–0Wrong call
“Ecuador are well organised and physical, Curacao's fairytale runs into a brick wall. South Americans by two.”
After the match: “Two-nil to Ecuador, I declared, with the swagger of a man who'd already booked the parade. Nil-nil, and a flock of luminous penguins juggled the corner flags while I quietly deleted my notes.”
Ecuador
1–2
0pts
Germany
++ ConfidentActual: 2–1Wrong call
“Ecuador are a proper tough nut, organised as you like. But the Germans always find a way at tournaments, don't they? Wirtz to nick it.”
After the match: “Backed Germany to edge it 2-1 and Ecuador had the cheek to flip my scoreline like a pancake; meanwhile a choir of opera-singing walruses serenaded my collapsing dignity.”
Curaçao
0–2
+5pts
Ivory Coast
++ ConfidentActual: 0–2Exact score
“Fairytale stuff Curaçao being here but Ivory Coast have got Premier League quality all over the gaff. Job done for the Elephants.”
After the match: “Called Curacao 0-2 Ivory Coast on the nose, and yes, I shall be taking applause as a swarm of breakdancing teapots pirouettes across my genius.”
Sweden
2–0
+2pts
Tunisia
++ ConfidentActual: 5–1Correct outcome
“Sweden got Isak banging them in for fun. Tunisia will park the bus but it'll get nicked off 'em second half.”
After the match: “I had Sweden to win but plumped for a cautious 2-0; they actually thumped Tunisia 5-1, so I'll happily take the right result and own up to the daft underestimate.”
Netherlands
2–1
+2pts
Sweden
++ ConfidentActual: 5–1Correct outcome
“Classic Euro tear-up this. Dutch have more flair up top, Sweden grind but come up short.”
After the match: “Called the Dutch winning 2-1 and got the swagger right, then they nicked four more while I was busy arguing with a referee shaped like a grandfather clock. Right horse, wrong number of legs.”
Tunisia
0–2
+2pts
Japan
++ ConfidentActual: 0–4Correct outcome
“Japan are the real deal now, technical and ruthless. Tunisia battle but the Samurai Blue have too much class.”
After the match: “Called Japan 0-2, and they only doubled my homework: still picked the winner, mind, even as a giant porcelain teapot poured biblical rain over the Tunisian back four.”
Tunisia
0–2
+3pts
Netherlands
++ ConfidentActual: 1–3Correct outcome
“Dutch will be cruising by now, Koeman's lot have got too much class. Tunisia are honest grafters but they'll get picked off.”
After the match: “Said Netherlands by two and they win by two, only the maths went rogue and Tunisia lobbed an extra one in. Result bang on, scoreline off, and a wardrobe full of singing teaspoons just sighed at me.”
Japan
2–1
0pts
Sweden
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Japan are the dark horses of this tournament, trust your old Gaffer. Sweden ain't what they were and Mitoma will run 'em ragged.”
After the match: “Predicted Japan 2-1, got a 1-1 draw and the only thing finishing clinically was a squadron of origami cranes folding the goalposts into swans. Wrong again, and proud of it.”
Iran
1–0
0pts
New Zealand
++ ConfidentActual: 2–2Wrong call
“Iran are rock solid, well drilled, nasty to play against. Kiwis will huff and puff but ain't got the quality up top.”
After the match: “Predicted a tidy 1-0 to Iran and instead got four goals while a brass band of accountants marched across the pitch counting them. My judgement's gone for a wander.”
Belgium
2–0
0pts
Iran
++ ConfidentActual: 0–0Wrong call
“De Bruyne and Doku too clever for Iran's low block. Belgium edge it without breaking sweat.”
After the match: “Belgium 0-0 Iran, and there goes my tidy 2-0; my prediction sank quicker than a grand piano dropped into the centre circle by a confused giraffe in a tutu. Blame me, I waltzed straight into it.”
New Zealand
0–2
+3pts
Egypt
++ ConfidentActual: 1–3Correct outcome
“Egypt with Salah is a different gravy. Kiwis are honest triers but Mo turns it on.”
After the match: “Called Egypt 0-2 and they won 3-1, so the result is mine even if a stray third goal floated past me on a hot air balloon shaped like a kettle.”
New Zealand
0–3
+2pts
Belgium
!!! Nailed onActual: 1–5Correct outcome
“De Bruyne pulling strings, Lukaku bullying centre-backs. Kiwis are honest as the day is long but they'll get done.”
After the match: “I had Belgium winning 0-3 and they obliged with 5, so I was bang on the badge if not the maths. New Zealand defended like a row of deckchairs in a hurricane, bless them.”
Egypt
1–1
+5pts
Iran
? UncertainActual: 1–1Exact score
“Salah versus a stubborn Iranian back line. Both nicking a point suits 'em down to the ground if results elsewhere align.”
After the match: “Called Egypt and Iran level at one apiece, and the deadlock was guarded by a regiment of accordion-playing walruses in tuxedos. Bow before my genius.”
Saudi Arabia
0–2
0pts
Uruguay
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Uruguay got Bielsa pulling the strings and proper dogs in midfield. Saudis ain't pulling another Messi moment, my son.”
After the match: “Backed Uruguay nil-two and got a one-one, which is the football equivalent of confidently parking in a space that turns out to be a duck pond.”
Spain
3–0
+2pts
Saudi Arabia
!!! Nailed onActual: 4–0Correct outcome
“Spain are the best side on the planet, simple as. Saudis will be chasing shadows for 90 minutes.”
After the match: “Called Spain 3-0, they went and bagged 4-0, so I undersold a thrashing that had three referees fainting from the glamour of it all. Right winner, my abacus just dropped a digit down a drain.”
Uruguay
2–0
0pts
Cape Verde Islands
++ ConfidentActual: 2–2Wrong call
“Uruguay are nasty, proper street fighters with Nunez and Pellistri. Cape Verde's adventure stops here.”
After the match: “Called Uruguay 2-0, dead cert, and Cape Verde nicked two back while I was rehearsing my victory waltz on live telly. My judgement just floated off on a hot-air balloon shaped like my own ego.”
Uruguay
1–2
+3pts
Spain
? UncertainActual: 0–1Correct outcome
“Cracker this. Uruguay scrap for everything but Spain's midfield will boss the tempo. Yamal magic does it.”
After the match: “Called Spain to edge Uruguay and they did, though I had three goals when a giant origami crane swooped down and folded two of them flat. Result banked, scoreline daydreamed.”
Cape Verde Islands
1–1
+3pts
Saudi Arabia
? UncertainActual: 0–0Correct outcome
“Two sides that'll be desperate by matchday three. Cape Verde are no mugs, Saudis got cash but not enough class. Score draw.”
After the match: “Cape Verde nil, Saudi nil, and I said honours even, so chalk one up for my genius. Shame I promised goals that a marching band of accountants politely refunded at the gate.”
Iraq
0–2
+2pts
Norway
++ ConfidentActual: 1–4Correct outcome
“Haaland's a different animal, innit. Iraq are scrappy but Norway got the firepower to put this one to bed.”
After the match: “Called Norway to win it 0-2 and they obliged with four, while a giant accordion floated over the pitch demanding tribute; I nailed the winner, fumbled the maths, dock me a pudding.”
France
4–0
+2pts
Iraq
!!! Nailed onActual: 3–0Correct outcome
“Mbappe's gonna have a field day, son. Iraq turn up, get battered, go home — simple as.”
After the match: “Called France 4-0 and they only mustered 3-0, so my missing goal is presumably being interviewed by a panel of judgemental flamingos as we speak. Right winner, greedy scoreline, that one's on me.”
Norway
1–1
0pts
Senegal
? UncertainActual: 3–2Wrong call
“Haaland will bully 'em but Senegal's pace on the break is proper dangerous. Smell a draw here.”
After the match: “That scoreline came at me like a moose on rollerskates and I saw precisely none of it coming.”
Norway
1–2
+2pts
France
++ ConfidentActual: 1–4Correct outcome
“Haaland's a monster but France have got gears Norway ain't seen. Mbappé to settle it, simple as.”
After the match: “I said France by one, France said hold my baguette and posted four. Right winner, but my maths got tackled by a unicycling walrus refereeing in oven gloves.”
Senegal
2–0
+2pts
Iraq
++ ConfidentActual: 5–0Correct outcome
“Senegal got proper Premier League quality through the spine. Iraq'll dig in but they ain't got the firepower, son.”
After the match: “Called Senegal 2-0 and felt like a professor; they only went and bagged five while a brass band of confused flamingoes did the half-time tombola. Result mine, scoreline theirs.”
Austria
2–0
+3pts
Jordan
++ ConfidentActual: 3–1Correct outcome
“Austria got Arnautovic and a proper European edge about 'em. Jordan's a nice day out but they're out their depth, son.”
After the match: “Got the winner right but the margin wrong; that is basically like predicting a football match whilst wearing oven gloves.”
Argentina
3–0
+2pts
Austria
++ ConfidentActual: 2–0Correct outcome
“Messi and the boys won't be messin' about. Austria are decent but Argentina's quality up top is another postcode.”
After the match: “Called Argentina 3-0, they only managed 2-0, so my third goal must have wandered off with the brass band that floated past on a giant flying teaspoon. Right winner, wrong maths.”
Jordan
0–1
+3pts
Algeria
++ ConfidentActual: 1–2Correct outcome
“Algeria's got more nous and quality in the engine room. Jordan'll graft but Mahrez and co edge it.”
After the match: “I got the result spot on but the scoreline was closer to a Jordan layup: one point off. Still counts as a W in my book, even if it looks like I was wearing oven mitts when I wrote it down.”
Jordan
0–3
+2pts
Argentina
++ ConfidentActual: 1–3Correct outcome
“Jordan ain't bad but Argentina with Leo and the lads? Forget about it. Even with Scaloni rotating, the champs have too much class.”
After the match: “Called Argentina to win 0-3 and they won, but Jordan nicked one off me, probably while I was busy watching a giant rubber duck referee the throw-ins.”
Algeria
1–1
+3pts
Austria
? UncertainActual: 3–3Correct outcome
“Tasty little tear-up this. Algeria's got flair through Mahrez and co, but Austria's a proper organised outfit under Rangnick. Score draw, mark my words.”
After the match: “Algeria 3-3 Austria and I had it as a polite 1-1; clearly I missed the four extra goals being smuggled in by a waltzing accordion the size of a bus.”
Uzbekistan
0–2
+3pts
Colombia
++ ConfidentActual: 1–3Correct outcome
“James and Diaz on song, son. Uzbekistan are organised but Colombia's flair wins it comfy.”
After the match: “Result bang on, Colombia winning, but I said 0-2 and we got four goals total; clearly I was distracted by the marching band of tap-dancing kettles invading the touchline.”
Portugal
3–0
+2pts
Uzbekistan
!!! Nailed onActual: 5–0Correct outcome
“Ronaldo sniffing his last World Cup hat-trick. Uzbekistan are organised but Portugal's front line is filth.”
After the match: “Result bang on, scoreline miles off: I said 3-0, Portugal posted 5-0 while a marching band of accordion-playing penguins waddled the touchline. Right church, wrong pew.”
Colombia
2–1
+3pts
DR Congo
? UncertainActual: 1–0Correct outcome
“Colombia at home with James pulling strings, but Congo are no mugs. Cagey one, James to nick it.”
After the match: “Called Colombia 2-1 and they win 1-0, so I nailed the winner but lost a goal that wandered off pitch riding a unicycle made of custard. Half marks, full swagger.”
Colombia
1–1
+3pts
Portugal
? UncertainActual: 0–0Correct outcome
“Heavyweight tear-up this. Ronaldo or Bruno on one end, James Rodriguez pulling strings the other. Honours even, mark my words.”
After the match: “Predicted a tidy 1-1 between Colombia and Portugal; got the draw but the goals were apparently kidnapped by a squadron of yodelling postmen. Score nil nil, ego still standing, just.”
DR Congo
1–0
+2pts
Uzbekistan
++ ConfidentActual: 3–1Correct outcome
“Congo got the athletes, Uzbeks are organised but limited going forward. Scrappy 1-0 to the Africans.”
After the match: “Called Congo DR to nick it 1-0 and they bagged three, so I was right while a choir of accountants pelted me with abacuses. I'll take the win, even if my maths got relegated.”
Ghana
2–0
+2pts
Panama
++ ConfidentActual: 1–0Correct outcome
“Ghana's got proper Premier League quality through the spine. Panama will park the bus but the Black Stars'll prise it open.”
After the match: “I said Ghana 2-0 and they only mustered the one, robbed of my second by a referee who was clearly wrestling an inflatable octopus wearing a top hat. Right winner, wrong maths, and I'll wear it.”
England
2–0
0pts
Ghana
++ ConfidentActual: 0–0Wrong call
“Three Lions to do a job. Ghana have some flair but Tuchel's lot won't be messing about — Kane on the scoresheet, innit.”
After the match: “I promised England 2-0 with all the swagger of a man who can't lose, then watched a goalless bore while a giant inflatable walrus refereed from the touchline. Wrong, gloriously wrong.”
Panama
0–2
+2pts
Croatia
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Correct outcome
“Modric conducting the orchestra one last time. Panama'll chase shadows for 90 minutes, mark my words.”
After the match: “I got the trajectory right but landed one short, like a penalty taker who's nailed the technique and forgotten to kick it hard.”
Panama
0–3
+2pts
England
!!! Nailed onActual: 0–2Correct outcome
“Tuchel's lot should be cruising by now. Panama will park the bus, Bellingham picks the lock. Job done, no fuss.”
After the match: “Right result, wrong maths: I had England rattling three past Panama and they stopped at two while a marching band of confused penguins demanded a refund. I shall colour myself wrong.”
Croatia
2–1
+5pts
Ghana
++ ConfidentActual: 2–1Exact score
“Modric's last dance, lovely. Ghana got pace to hurt 'em but Croatia know this tournament malarkey inside out.”
After the match: “Croatia 2-1 Ghana, exactly as I prophesied, and frankly I am insufferable about it: even the giant inflatable octopus refereeing the touchline tipped its hat to my genius.”
Canada
0–1
+2pts
Morocco
++ ConfidentActual: 0–3Correct outcome
“Morocco have been the real deal on the big stage since Qatar, organised at the back and clever on the break. Canada will give it a go, but the Atlas Lions nick this with a clean sheet and a bit of class.”
After the match: “I said Morocco by the odd goal, and they trebled my order like a waiter who fancied a laugh; right winner, wrong maths, and I was busy watching a squadron of accordions parachute onto the touchline.”
Brazil
2–0
0pts
Norway
++ ConfidentActual: 1–2Wrong call
“Norway have got Haaland and a prayer, but Brazil in a World Cup knockout at this level is a different animal. Seleção keep it tidy, nick one each half, job done.”
After the match: “Backed Brazil 2-0 with my chest puffed out like a proud pigeon, and Norway strolled in for a 1-2. My crystal ball has clearly emigrated to Oslo without telling me.”
Mexico
0–2
+2pts
England
++ ConfidentActual: 2–3Correct outcome
“Mexico at the Azteca is a proper night out, but England's spine has too much Premier League iron for them. Kane nods one, Bellingham nicks another, job's a good'un.”
After the match: “I got the winner right but Mexico scored a couple on me; like backing a horse that finishes first with three legs, innit.”
Portugal
1–2
+3pts
Spain
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Correct outcome
“Spain's midfield will pass Portugal dizzy, Rodri and Pedri running the show while Ronaldo chases shadows. Portugal will nick one through Bruno or Leao, but La Roja have the class to see it out.”
After the match: “Right direction, wrong postcode; I'd backed a two-goal Spain masterclass and got a one-goal Spain masterclass instead, which is like ordering a full English and getting beans on one slice of toast.”
USA
1–2
+2pts
Belgium
++ ConfidentActual: 1–4Correct outcome
“Belgium's golden lot have had their swansong, but there's still enough quality in that midfield to see off the Yanks. USA will have a right go on home soil, mind, so I'm having Belgium to nick it in a proper tie.”
After the match: “Belgium put on a masterclass and I somehow managed to get the result spot on while being wildly optimistic about American resilience, which tracks.”
Argentina
2–0
+2pts
Egypt
!!! Nailed onActual: 3–2Correct outcome
“Argentina with Leo and that midfield against Egypt? Do me a favour. Salah can graft all he likes, the Albiceleste win this at a canter, clean sheet in the back pocket.”
After the match: “Argentina 3-2, and my 2-0 shout aged like a jellyfish left on a radiator: winner sorted, everything after that I was clutching at clouds.”
Switzerland
1–2
0pts
Colombia
++ ConfidentActual: 0–0Wrong call
“This is my flag in the sand. Colombia have proper players all over the shop, James pulling strings and pace to burn, and the Swiss always find a way to bottle the knockouts. Colombia through, and I ain't hedging.”
After the match: “Called it 1-2 Colombia with total conviction, and the lads served me a nice warm nil-nil while a marching band of accountants tallied my regrets. Wrong as wrong gets, and I'll wear it.”
France
2–0
+5pts
Morocco
++ ConfidentActual: 2–0Exact score
“Morocco are a proper side these days, no question, but France have that Mbappé menace and a squad deeper than the Thames. Les Bleus do a professional job, clean sheet, job done.”
After the match: “France 2-0, dialled it in to the exact digit, and I'd like to thank the flock of luminous flamingos that carried my prediction across the pitch on a velvet cushion.”
Spain
2–0
+2pts
Belgium
!!! Nailed onActual: 2–1Correct outcome
“Spain are the real deal, tidy in possession and ruthless in the final third. Belgium's golden generation is knackered and defensively suspect, this is a comfortable afternoon for La Roja.”
After the match: “Called Spain 2-0, they went and won 2-1, so I nicked the result while a Belgian conga line of accountants marched off with my clean sheet. Right winner, sloppy sums.”
Norway
0–2
0pts
England
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Norway have got Haaland and a prayer, England have got a squad three deep in every position. Tuchel's lot keep it tight, nick one, then kill it late. Classic 0-2 job.”
After the match: “Confidently slapped 0-2 on Norway and the football gods responded by sending a choir of accountants to sing the score into my ear: 1-1. My bad, entirely.”
Argentina
2–0
0pts
Switzerland
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Argentina have the champions' swagger and Messi still pulls the strings. Swiss are organised as ever but they've not got the firepower to hurt this lot, so it's a tidy Argy job.”
After the match: “Bold as brass I said Argentina 2-0, and Switzerland turned up wearing 1-1 like a smug little cardigan. My prediction just got eaten by a giant clockwork badger in row Z.”
France
1–2
+2pts
Spain
++ ConfidentActual: 0–2Correct outcome
“Spain's midfield will run the show, Pedri and Fabian dictating tempo while France chase shadows. Mbappé nicks one on the break, but La Roja have too much football in them.”
After the match: “Nailed the winner, Spain by two, though my phantom France goal apparently got eaten by a passing accordion that wandered onto the pitch mid-anthem. I'll take the result and dock myself the difference.”
England
1–2
+5pts
Argentina
++ ConfidentActual: 1–2Exact score
“England always find a way to bottle the big one and Argentina's got the tournament nous plus a certain little magician who eats semi-finals for breakfast. Sorry lads, I'm calling it as I see it.”
After the match: “Bang on the money, England 1-2 Argentina, exactly as I said, and I only saw it clearly after a haddock in a monocle floated past the gantry whispering the result.”
France
1–2
+2pts
England
? UncertainActual: 4–6Correct outcome
“Third place playoff, nobody wants to be there, but England have got the deeper squad and a point to prove after another semi heartbreak. France will rotate, Southgate's lot or whoever's in the dugout will want a medal to wave, 2-1 to the Three Lions.”
After the match: “England beat France, so I nailed the winner while a squadron of tuba-playing walruses waddled the touchline; shame my 1-2 got outscored by an actual arcade cabinet finishing 4-6.”
Spain
2–1
0pts
Argentina
++ ConfidentActual: 0–0Wrong call
“Spain's midfield will strangle the life out of this one, Pedri and Rodri running the show while Argentina lean on an ageing Messi. La Albiceleste will nick one, but La Roja have the legs and the depth to see it out.”
After the match: “Called Spain to edge Argentina 2-1 and instead got a nil-nil so dull a marching band of accountants filed onto the pitch to audit the boredom. My tactics board has filed for divorce.”
Germany
2–0
0pts
Paraguay
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Germany at a tournament are a different animal, and Paraguay haven't got the firepower. Wirtz pulls the strings, in the bag.”
After the match: “I had Germany 2-0, confident as a man wearing armbands in a paddling pool, and out they wobble to a 1-1 draw while a brass octopus juggled bratwurst on the centre spot. Lovely stuff, idiot.”
France
2–0
+2pts
Sweden
!!! Nailed onActual: 3–0Correct outcome
“France have got Mbappe, Dembele, and a midfield made of granite. Sweden are a shadow of the old lot. Easy night in Paris.”
After the match: “Called France 2-0 and they went and made it 3-0, so the result is mine but the maths got eaten by a hippo in goalkeeper gloves doing my arithmetic. I'll take the win and pretend I never miscounted.”
South Africa
1–1
0pts
Canada
++ ConfidentActual: 0–1Wrong call
“Canada are fancied but South Africa at a major tournament are organised and nasty on the counter. I smell a stalemate that nobody's pricing up, son.”
After the match: “I had South Africa and Canada at 1-1, but Canada nicked the lot in a 0-1, while a procession of tap-dancing penguins demanded a recount. Wrong as a soup fork, me.”
Netherlands
1–1
+5pts
Morocco
++ ConfidentActual: 1–1Exact score
“Morocco at a World Cup are no mugs, ask the Spaniards and the Portuguese. The Dutch leak goals at the back, I fancy Hakimi and co. to nick a result.”
After the match: “Called Netherlands 1-1 Morocco bang on, and frankly I'm so chuffed I've had my forecast tattooed onto a startled walrus who now follows me everywhere demanding royalties.”
Portugal
1–1
0pts
Croatia
++ ConfidentActual: 2–1Wrong call
“Modric for one last dance against his old mate Ronaldo. Croatia in knockouts are like cockroaches, you can't kill 'em. Draw at ninety, mark it down.”
After the match: “Called Portugal 1-1 Croatia and swore blind on it; the winner sailed in while I was busy arm-wrestling a referee made entirely of custard. Rotten judgement, brilliant hair.”
Spain
2–0
+2pts
Austria
!!! Nailed onActual: 3–0Correct outcome
“Spain are the best side on the planet right now. Yamal, Pedri, Rodri. Austria are honest but they're being swatted away.”
After the match: “Called Spain 2-0 and they bagged three, so I was one goal shy while a herd of accountant walruses recounted the scoreline on an abacus. Right winner, dodgy sums; I'll cop that.”
USA
1–1
0pts
Bosnia
? UncertainActual: 2–0Wrong call
“The Yanks keep promising the world and delivering a postcard, and Bosnia have got the nous to frustrate the life out of em. Dzeko and that streetwise old guard know how to kill a game stone dead. Honours even at ninety, mark it down.”
After the match: “I had this dead level at 1-1, and the States strolled it 2-0 while a choir of accountants in swimming goggles serenaded the touchline. My crystal ball wants its deposit back.”
Belgium
1–2
0pts
Senegal
? UncertainActual: 2–2Wrong call
“Belgium's golden generation is cooked and Senegal have got pace and power all over the park. I'm having the upset, chest out.”
After the match: “I had Senegal edging it 1-2, and Belgium spat their dummy for a 2-2, so I sat there watching a squadron of ceremonial penguins abseil off the crossbar while my prediction quietly evaporated.”
Brazil
2–0
+2pts
Japan
++ ConfidentActual: 2–1Correct outcome
“Brazil at this level against Japan? Vinicius and Rodrygo will have too much in the final third. Clean sheet, job done.”
After the match: “Called Brazil 2-0 and they obliged on the result, but Japan smuggled one past while a giraffe in goalkeeping gloves was busy autographing the corner flag. Right winner, wonky maths, and I'll wear it.”
Ivory Coast
1–2
+5pts
Norway
++ ConfidentActual: 1–2Exact score
“Haaland and Odegaard. That's the review. Norway are a proper side now and they've got the goals to see this off.”
After the match: “Called Ivory Coast 1-2 Norway on the nose, and I'll be honest, even the marching band of accountants doing kazoo solos in the centre circle couldn't distract me from my genius today.”
Mexico
1–0
+2pts
Ecuador
++ ConfidentActual: 2–0Correct outcome
“Mexico at home in a World Cup, the altitude, the noise, the lot. Ecuador will make it a scrap but El Tri edge it ugly.”
After the match: “I said Mexico 1-0 and they went and doubled it while I wasn't looking, probably because a marching band of pelicans invaded the technical area. Result nailed, maths a shambles.”
England
3–0
+2pts
DR Congo
!!! Nailed onActual: 2–1Correct outcome
“Tuchel's England against Congo? Bellingham, Saka, Kane. Stroll in the park, no debate.”
After the match: “I trumpeted 3-0 to England and by and large I nailed it, though the goal I had spare seems to have wandered off with a squadron of accordion-playing pigeons. Result's mine, arithmetic isn't.”
Argentina
3–0
0pts
Cape Verde Islands
!!! Nailed onActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Messi, Alvarez, the holders. Cape Verde's fairytale ends here and it ends comfortably. Nailed on.”
After the match: “I promised Argentina 3-0 with the swagger of a man who'd already booked the parade; it finished 1-1 while a marching band of accordion-playing walruses laughed at my judgement.”
Australia
0–1
0pts
Egypt
? UncertainActual: 1–1Wrong call
“Salah's Egypt against a limited Australia side. The Pharaohs have the one moment of magic that decides these scraps. Upset's on.”
After the match: “Fair dinkum, I backed Egypt to nick it and instead watched a bloke in the Socceroos midfield play like he'd been hypnotised by a pendulum made of lasagne.”
Switzerland
1–0
+2pts
Algeria
++ ConfidentActual: 2–0Correct outcome
“Swiss are boring as a wet Tuesday in Basel but they grind tournaments out. 1-0, thank you very much.”
After the match: “Called Switzerland 1-0 and they only went and doubled it on me, so my prediction turned up wearing one boot while a giraffe in referee kit blew for full time.”
Colombia
2–1
+3pts
Ghana
++ ConfidentActual: 1–0Correct outcome
“Colombia have James pulling strings and Luis Diaz flying. Ghana will have a go but the Cafeteros have the quality to see it through.”
After the match: “Called Colombia 2-1 and they win 1-0, so I nailed the winner while a rogue goal wandered off to join a marching band of cymbal-playing walruses. Right church, wrong pew, still buying the round.”
Day 39Sun 19 Jul
Day 38Sat 18 Jul
Best Calls
